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| Insomniac rantsEverything about me seems to scream 'fucked-up' at the moment. I have become so desperate to regain control over my sleep patterns that every bedtime is fraught with the fear of not being able to lose consciousness. Which, of course, exacerbates the problem immeasurably.
My thoughts have eddied and swirled towards recovery, but somewhere deeper in my mind, my ed is always hiding I suppose, because I lied to myself again. It is hard to break free from a mindset which has dictated your thoughts and actions from an early age. My eating regime is still rigid and controlled, but I'm trying my best to challenge myself and become more healthy-ish (whatever that means) by following a somewhat nutritious diet.
I appreciate all the comments I have received and apologize that I have neglected the forum for some time, mainly because I have been unsure about the forum rules and responsibilities that goes with it. There is a fine line between free speech and censorship. I have been uncertain in the past whether all viewpoints should be voiced freely, and came to the conclusion that forum members should not suggest potential harmful behaviors by sharing crash diets, weight loss pills, and how to hide your eating disorder. The intention of the forum is to provide users a community to interact with other members without unhealthy encouragement.
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| Super Skinny MeI have to admit I'm shamelessly obsessed with various programs regarding weight loss. 'Super Skinny Me' simplifies eating disorders when one of the 'participants' states: "I'm quite the anorexic now" after a few weeks on a strict diet. That's one of the greatest misinterpretations about Anorexia Nervosa. It's possible to mimic disordered eating for a relative short period of time, but this does not constitute an eating disorder.
I've had some requests from people who want to join the forum. The registration will be open for a couple of weeks, and you are welcome to join.
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| Confessions of a Self-Saboteur
Believing in yourself is an endless destination. Believing you have failed is the end of the journey.
Why is it so hard to change my unhealthy behavior and negative character traits related to my eating disorder? It's an uncomfortable inquiry, but that’s where I am at at the moment.
I don't consciously want to destroy myself. But unconsciously, somewhere inside me, there may be a death wish, at least according to Freudian terminology. Freud said that everyone has a death wish, a desire to die, a love of death.
Procrastinating, overindulging, and acting impulsively are cited as the most common forms of self-sabotage. Overindulging. Lately, I've become quite familiar with the word. I've been mastering the 'art' of self-deprivation for most of my waking hours, until I decided it was time to dedicate myself to recovery, full-time. Recovery triggers something inside me. Fear, perhaps. I'm not sure.
If I can't eat nothing, I'll eat everything. Bulimia. It's a statement of defiance or rebellion against healing.
So I am back to my old ways again. Steering towards my anorexic mindset.
I don't believe time heals all wounds, but it does allow us the space to adjust and grow. Finding the middle ground, somewhere between feast and famine. I'll get there. Some day.
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| Anorexia'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the thinnest of them all?'
The emptiness inside me speaks of the numbness within me. I am starving away my emotions. The loneliness and feeling of fear will never disappear, so I tirelessly pursue my own agenda of starvation. My mind is a battle field where one side seeks refuge and the other side is resistant to change.
I am starting to despise everything and everyone around me. Doctors - who are trying to force feed me with their lies, they have reduced me to a number on the scale. Friends and family - who expect me to put on a daily facade.
Anorexia is my shield against the world.
Anorexia is an attempt to save me from myself.
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| WebsiteYesterday I stumbled across an Australian website that I found disturbing on so many levels. I hesitated about the title, "Pro Canna", which suggested it was a website about narcotic drugs, but it turns out it is not a pro-cannabis site. The author explains that his website is a parody of pro-ana.
http://www.freewebs.com/procancer/index.htm
Pro Canna (CaNnAz AnGeL): “I'm not mocking anorexia, bulimia, ednos, cancer...I'm mocking those twats who are Pro and are providing stupid and dangerous tips on the web. And also, why do we need like a hundred pro ana sites, they all have the same disgusting information on them anyway! Dont think you're special because you have "ana" and need to get all group mentality on us. You dont get the irony, most probably because you're a silly 14 year old on a crash diet you like to call "ana" cos its "cool". Or a 30 year old corn loving, bush voting, middle american.”
First of all, by comparing a psychiatric disorder to a physical illness, you demonstrate a shocking lack of journalistic integrity, and ignorance about physical and mental diseases. This is not a great example of irony. It is plain stupidity.
Cancer is a general term for more than 100 life-threatening diseases characterized by the uncontrolled, abnormal growth of malignant cells. These harmful cells may spread locally or through the bloodstream or lymphatic system.
Eating disorders are complex conditions that arise from a combination of long-standing psychological, interpersonal, and social conditions. Scientists are still researching possible biochemical or biological causes of eating disorders. In some individuals with eating disorders, certain chemicals in the brain that control hunger, appetite, and digestion have been found to be imbalanced. However, in most cases, it seems clear that eating disorders arise from different psychological conditions.
The majority of pro-ana websites do not consider anorexia as a lifestyle choice. I have mentioned several times on my website that anorexia, bulimia, ed-nos and binge eating are serious mental disorders, so why does the author of “Pro Canna” spend so much time and effort to moralize about this topic?
I cannot speak on behalf of other websites, but the purpose of Pro-Ana Nation is to provide a support network for those who suffer from psychiatric disorders, and to spread awareness about these serious conditions. My website does not contain dangerous tips, nor does it display anorexia as an alternative lifestyle. I strongly encourage professional therapy because eating disorders are self-destructive. I have attended therapy sessions for years, in hospital, outpatient programs, in combination with psychiatrists, nutritionists and physicians, but I have not been able to recover. Anorexia functions as a coping mechanism. It numbs out my inner pain
“Pro Canna” ridicules the severity and complexity of eating disorders by strongly implying you can develop anorexia, bulimia, ed-nos or binge eating by visiting pro-ana websites. Displaying pictures of cancer patients in a parody setting, is not just inappropriate and disturbing, but only serves to further side track the issue of pro-anorexia.
Before lashing out against those who visit pro-ana websites by referring to them as “silly 14 years old on a crash diet”, perhaps you should take a critical look at your own website. Based on your astounding naivete, lack of knowledge, and writing skills, I think most people would be surprised to learn that you are older than the age of 10.
Your childish and discriminating remarks about Americans do not enhance your credibility. You are not superior to me or Americans in general.
A final note to the person who supports the website, and profoundly states that “if I could trade my eating disorder for cancer, I would, in a heartbeat. Cancer doesn’t take over your mind.”
How can you possibly judge whether is it easier to live with cancer compared to an eating disorder? If you could step out of your eating disordered world for a minute and spend time with cancer patients, you would hopefully realize what a devastating disease this is, both physically and mentally. Cancer can take over you mind, and it is not unusual that cancer patient develop depression and anxiety disorders.
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