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Believing in yourself is an endless destination. Believing you have failed is the end of the journey.
Why is it so hard to change my unhealthy behavior and negative character traits related to my eating disorder? It's an uncomfortable inquiry, but that’s where I am at at the moment.
I don't consciously want to destroy myself. But unconsciously, somewhere inside me, there may be a death wish, at least according to Freudian terminology. Freud said that everyone has a death wish, a desire to die, a love of death.
Procrastinating, overindulging, and acting impulsively are cited as the most common forms of self-sabotage. Overindulging. Lately, I've become quite familiar with the word. I've been mastering the 'art' of self-deprivation for most of my waking hours, until I decided it was time to dedicate myself to recovery, full-time. Recovery triggers something inside me. Fear, perhaps. I'm not sure.
If I can't eat nothing, I'll eat everything. Bulimia. It's a statement of defiance or rebellion against healing.
So I am back to my old ways again. Steering towards my anorexic mindset.
I don't believe time heals all wounds, but it does allow us the space to adjust and grow. Finding the middle ground, somewhere between feast and famine. I'll get there. Some day.
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| | Posted 9/7/2008 9:50 PM - 101 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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